Sometimes I wonder how I manage through the day with my sleep pattern. As I think about it I don't. I'll spend most days on the couch, or on the bench out back or sometimes in bed. Usually I'll have my iPad or computer trying to achieve some productivity but usually I'm just distracting myself from the pain. You can always tell when I'm having more pain because I'll be found on the X-box playing Minecraft or No Mans Sky in an attempt to keep my mind engaged in something. Because if I don't stay engaged and keep distracted then I can only think about the pain I'm in which somehow seems to enhance it.
Then there are days where I get energy to go out. I often have to budget my energy to make it out of the house to go shopping or on a family outing. I plan my schedule so I can have energy for church on Sunday but most social events are on Saturdays which make it tough sometimes. I started helping with youth group on Monday nights last year. By Tuesday morning I am spent. But how much I do during the day will determine how much sleep I get which will affect the following day. So if we go to Disneyland one day I can't really make plans for the following day. If I overdue it I'll be in bed the next few days physically unable to do anything including taking a shower. On those days it's easy to just lay there and think about the pain which seems to make it worse and prolongs the days in bed. See how it's easy to get into a downward spiral?
Most days I'm fighting desperately not to be grumpy with my family or act the way I feel. I feel like I lose that battle quite often. Other times I hear how I have a great attitude or how I'm so cheery. I wonder at times if I'm being dishonest with acting one way and feeling another. I often get the, "how are you doing?" question at church. First I try to ascertain the sincerity of the questioner. Do they really want to know that I'm dead tired and the left side of my body feels like it's on fire with my left foot feeling like I'm stepping on needles with every step I take and hey, I'm having a good day since my 24/7 headache that is literally killing me is only at a 4 not to mention bonus, I can't feel my left hand which I haven't been able to use for years and my other hand is busy gripping on to my cane I need to walk or are they just striking up polite conversation? Second I try to remember the name of the person who is taking to me. That seems to be getting harder by the day but that's a different story. Regardless my answer is usually the standard, "fine" or "hanging in there". Sometimes I'll throw in a, "blessed more than I deserve" if I think I know the person I'm talking to. But when I really try to explain a symptom or how I'm doing I tend to do so with a smile. That's because I dig deep down to my source of joy that thanks to Jesus, I'm adopted into His kingdom and someday all of this will go away.
That's when I realise I'm not being dishonest acting differently than I feel physically. Because my duty is not to reflect myself but to reflect Jesus. I hope and pray that when people see me they see the joy and peace I have in Jesus with my fallen body in this fallen world. That they see the contentment I have in my station from years of hard learned lessons. But I know I still fall short. Especially when I try to describe a symptom to a person I assume I know and they reply, "oh, you look fine". My mind immediately imagines me punching them in the face and asking how they feel. Like I confessed, I still fall short. That's when I'm happy I don't act how I feel. Really, the only thing that helps me endure this tortuous body of mine is my faith and the blessing of a wonderful, patient wife and five supportive daughters. Like I said earlier, I am blessed more than I deserve.
